Don't look, just pray......and BREATH!

Greg and I never did a lamaze class.......maybe we should have! I could have used it today for our fourth "labor and delivery". Our day started out with pouring rain which was a good thing....it helped to cool it down some - thank you Sarah for praying for rain! Then we anxiously went down to the lobby of the hotel at 8:00 am to wait for our driver..........and that's where we sat until we finally contacted the man who runs the travel service so he could call and wake Pedro up. He finally arrived about 9:40, very sorry for being so tarde. And we were off......to the races that is! Pedro was whizzing through the crowded streets of Panama City like Speed Racer, honking as he blew past each octagonal red sign that read "ALTO", and parting seas of pedestrians like Moses parting the Red Sea (very few people in most areas have cars). Now, I thought that "alto" meant "high" in Spanish, so it seemed appropriate that he kicked it into High gear each time he saw one of those signs. But later we were told that a "plaque ALTO" is actually a STOP sign in Panama! Greg said "don't look, just pray". There are very few traffic signals in Panama so each intersection is an insane mass of vehicles honking and dodging each other......again, don't look, just pray! Well we stopped and he met two men who gave him directions to Casa Hogar las Americas (the children's home). We didn't go very far into the more rural area till we were lost. Pedro (who is very nice, by the way) pulled over on the side of the road (sort of) in front of what appeared to be some kind of jail or correctional facility (there was a gate, an armed guard in a little booth, and razor wire on the fence). Pedro went through the gate to the guard house to ask for directions. They talked, then the guard walked over, shut and locked the gate, and took Pedro away! We just sat there thinking, is he gonna lock him up or find him a map? After quite some time, the guard returned, minus Pedro. Again, we just sat there, on the side of the road, wondering. After quite some more time, Pedro returned without explaination (he speaks almost no English) then we were off again. We drove awhile longer but were still lost, so he started asking pedestrians (and there are lots of them) for directions. Now the people in Panama are warm, friendly, and helpful, so everyone he asked tried to help. Unfortuneately, not one of the actually had a clue where the children's home was. So we drove, and I didn't look, I just prayed, then Greg spotted something familiar from his last trip. But we got lost again, this time on a dead end dirt road, that dead ended right into Casa Hogar las Americas! We finally made it.
Everyone was at the church building so we went in (including Pedro). They had Maria sitting in the back so we sat down beside her. She sat there shyly smiling and would occasionally look at us. When the service was over, she visited with us momentarily, then went to the house mother (Nellie), and started crying. She cried, and cried, and cried. We went over to where the children live and she continued to sob. They realized that she thought we were leaving with her immediatly, and so they explained that we were not leaving yet. She finally stopped crying and showed us her room that she has been sharing with two beautiful girls - Daisy and Teresa, and looked at a photo album we brought. She is so much like Hannah. Anabel saw a picture of Hannah, and noted how much she looked like Maria! Then we went outside so she could show us their garden, banana trees, pig, chickens, turkeys, etc. The kids are all so warm and beautiful. We enjoyed our time with them, but Maria clung to Nellie. Sarah cooked lunch - spaghetti (thanks again Sarah!) - and we ate with Maria, Sarah, and the house parents (Nellie and Anabel). Maria snarfed her spaghetti and much like our Lilly, she likes Coca Cola! She went outside after she ate, but hung close to the building while we talked. Later we went back up to the children's home, where she continued to warm up to us. She sat in my lap two short times but still clung close to Nellie. The psychologist that has been preparing Maria for the adoption came over around 4:00 to help with our leaving. She talked to Maria and they gathered her things. She did great, and when it was time to go, she hugged everyone and climbed into the car. As we were leaving, I looked over at Nellie, she was sobbing, and my heart broke for her. It is obvious that these two very special people really love these children. She was so gracious all day, encouraging Maria to go to me and referring to me as Mama. But I know this was very difficult and painful for her. At the time, it felt like I was ripping a child away from a mother - I wasn't prepared for that feeling. Then a little voice inside me said "don't look, just pray". So I did. All the way back to the hotel.
As I looked at the beautiful little girl sitting between us, wide eyed gazing at all the tall buildings and sights of the big city, I just prayed. When we got to the hotel and got out of the car, Maria began sobbing. The psychologist came up to the room with us and talked to her, but she still sobbed. I just sat on the couch and held her close and tried to comfort her. When a child is hurting, they want the comfort of their mother. But I was not able to comfort her. It was breaking my heart. What had we done? Was this a mistake? It seemed that this was part of God's plan that Maria would be our daughter, but now I couldn't help being filled with doubt, fear, and heartache. Then the pshychologist decided to leave and let us work it out, she felt she was interfering with the process. After she left, Maria sobbed even harder. I sang to her and spoke to her and held her close. I closed my eyes and prayed. Then she calmed down. She took notice of our view of Panama City (we are on the 13th floor) and the lights were starting to come on. Greg showed her pictures on the computer of her sisters, our family and friends.
Maria perked up, so we went accross the street to an Italian restaurant (very good, by the way) where she devoured her cheese pizza, and happily kicked her feet. Then we walked down the street to a little market. When I was looking at the laundry detergent, Maria spotted a bar of strawberry soap. She held it up with a "please Mama" look, and I said "si". Then she picked some snacks, and a melon (cantaloupe). We walked back up the street to the hotel with Maria between us holding our hands, smiling from ear to ear. When we got back, I told her the snacks were for tomorrow, so she put them in a little bag and put then by my purse on the table. We got out her pajamas I had bought for her and she selected a pair, then went shopping in the suitcases. She found the 2 pairs of shoes I brought and tried them on (they fit, yeah!). Then she found her other clothes and the Barbie her sisters sent her. She loves the Barbie. She hugged her and brushed her hair and named her Marta (after her best friend, went back with family a few months ago). Then I asked if she wanted to take a shower. She nodded her head yes. Then she ran to the kitchen and got her strawberry soap. I turned on the water and told her that the water was warm (caliente). She looked up at me and with big brown eyes the size of quarters, and said "caliente?" I said "si". She said again "caliente?" Then skeptically climbed into the shower and reached out her hand. When the warm water hit her hand, she leaped into the shower and was jumping up and down and spinning around in circles under the raining warm water. It was her first warm shower (as far as we know). The shower stall is huge, and the shower head is huge, probably 8 -10 inches across. She had a ball, she washed her hair and danced and played. She liked having her hair dried, and having lotion rubbed on her arms and legs. When she got in the bed, she went over to the far side then patted the other pillow. I asked if she wanted me to sleep with her and she nodded yes, with a big smile. As I watched her fall asleep holding her "Marta", I knew in my heart we had done the right thing. I know the next many days, weeks, and months will be uncharted waters and some rough seas. And I know Satan will try over and over to fill our hearts with doubt. But we have the One who spoke the world into existence, the One who holds the oceans and all our tears in the palm of his hand on our side. We'll be just fine. And I'll continue to heed that little voice that says "don't look, just pray".